Revised essays
EXAMPLES. Sometimes Elementary and High School students alike, need a little help with the structure and general over-all appearance of their written projects. With the interjection of a proper word here and there, along with impeccable punctuation and capitalization, it's possible to achieve a much higher grade. I 'polish up' the essays, without changing the original content.
Essay revised for a 15 year old pupil from Denmark in Scandinavia:
Essay before revision
There were not meny on board on the “Titanic” who felt something when the ship hit the iceberg late in the evening the 14th of April 1912. Some of the passengers who were out on the deck as it took place found little pieces of ice wich they picked up for their drinks, others talked about arranging a snowball fight the following day.
Inside at first-class the orchestra played on, people were dancing and amusing themselves. Soon everybody yet understood that something was wrong. Why did the ship not sail? It tilted more and more and the passengers were frightened. The ship's bells started ringing and people were told to go up on the boat deck. But there were not lifeboats to everybody.
The last minutes were horrible. From third-class´s deck men, women, and children saw the last lifeboats sailing away into the darkness. Everybody stood close together and waited for the terrible moment.
At the time the “Titanic” sank everything went dark. From the water sounded desperate calls for help but in the ice-cold water no one had a chance. Gradually the cries died away one by one – and at the end everything was quiet. That night 1502 persons lost thier lives.
Essay after revision
There were not many on board the 'Titanic' who felt anything, when the ship hit the iceberg late evening, April 14th, 1912. Some of the passengers who were on deck when it happened, found little pieces of ice, which they picked up and used in their drinks. Others talked of arranging a snowball fight for the following day.
Inside, in First Class, the orchestra played on. People were dancing and having a great time. Soon everyone understood that something was wrong. Why wasn't the ship moving? It was tilting more and more and the passengers were becoming frightened. The ship's bells started ringing, and people were being sent up on deck. But there were not enough lifeboats for all the passengers.
The last minutes of Titanics sinking were horrible. From the third class deck, men, women and children watched the lifeboats disappearing into the darkness into the darkness. Everyone stood close to each other, and waited for the end.
At the time the “Titanic” sank everything went dark. From the water sounded desperate calls for help but in the ice-cold water no one had a chance. Gradually the cries died away one by one – and at the end everything was quiet. That night 1502 persons lost thier lives.
Essay revised for a High School student from my area:
Essay before revision
As a resident of Twillingate, Newfoundland, I am aware of the fact that most pet owners in this town do not have the time to walk and care for their pets. This is why I chose a pet walking/sitting service for my business plan. I feel that if I offer outstanding services at a good price that this small business would do amazing in this town. For a long time humans have always had pets in their homes and they will continue to do so for many years to come. Because of this I am sure that my business will be very successful. It is a service that people are always going to need. Also, that is why there will always be growth opportunities. Not only will people continue to have pets but they are starting to work longer hours and more days during the week. With all the stress coming from all the long hours people are going on more vacations. Therefore they will need a service like mine more and more. There will always be growth opportunities in the field. I do not know of any services similar to this
in Twillingate. This business is very unique to this town. There is several grooming business but no pet walking/sitting services. This is the reason why I think this business would do so well.
The services that I will be offering to the consumers are; looking after the pet when the owner is on vacation, walking the pet daily, playing with the pet, feeding the pet and anything else the owner wants done with in reason. The cost for these services will range from $5 to $140, an hour with the pet would cost $5 and one night would cost $20. To accommodate the pets I will offer very large and comfortable kennels, food, toys and necessary items for walking the pets.
There are always risks associated when you are opening a new business. One major concern is when you are dealing with animals they can be very unpredictable and they could attack another animal or a human. If that should happen and I do not have the proper insurance I could lose my business.
I really think that the residents of Twillingate will really benefit from my business. There are no other services like this available in Twillingate right now. I am sure if provide excellent customer services at a good price my business will do very well.
Essay after revision
As a resident of the town of Twillingate, Newfoundland, I am quite aware of the fact that most pet owners in this town do not have the time or the pleasant task of walking and taking good care of their pets. This is the reason I chose a pet-sitting, pet-walking and general pet-care service for my business plan. I feel that I am able to offer an outstanding and reliable service for my business plan, with amazing results.
For a very long time, as long as I can remember, humans have always had a pet in their home, and sometimes more than one pet. I am sure that most people will continue to own pets of all kinds, for many years to come. This is the reason I am very sure and confident my business will be very successful, for a long time.
A business that concerns taking care of peoples pets will be a business that everyone will always need, and it will be a business with a lot of growth and success for the future. These days people are working more and more hours, and longer and longer. This means that all the household will probably be working, and they will need someone to make sure their pet is well looked after. With all the stress coming from all the long hours, people are going on more vacations and are away from their pets for long periods of time. Therefore they are sure to need a service like mine more than ever.
There will always be growth opportunities and a big need for the services my company will offer. In Twillingate, there already are several pet-grooming business, but these type of companies do not offer pet-walking or pet-sitting services. It is because of this that I am certain my business will work and be very successful.
Some of my services will include looking after the pet while the owner is away on vacation, walking the pet daily, playing with the pet as much as I can, feeding the pet and just about anything else the owner asks me to do. The cost for my services will range from a low cost of five dollars up to one hundred and forty dollars, depending on what I have to do. One hour with the pet would cost five dollars. Spending all night with the pet would cost twenty dollars. Full time care of the pet, which would mean several hours each day spent with the pet, would cost one hundred and forty dollars.
To accommodate all of the pets I will be taking care of, I am able to offer very large and very comfortable kennels. I will also provide food, toys and all the necessary items for walking the pet safely. Since there are always many risks associated with opening a new business, and because I will be working with live animals, I intend to make sure I have the best possible insurance plan. If I didn’t have insurance, there are lots of things that could go wrong, since animals are quite unpredictable.
I really and truly think the residents of the town of Twillingate, no matter how young or how old, can benefit from a business like I am planning to open. In researching my Pet-Sitting/Pet-Walking business opportunity, I discovered Twillingate does not have anything like it. I am sure if provide excellent customer services, at a good price, my business will do very well right now, and even better in the future.
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Essays revised by Elizabeth Earle
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